The other night, I had a dream, actually it was more of a nightmare that luckily I haven’t experienced in real life and wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I don’t really have enemies, but you know what I mean. It was awful. 

In the dream, I lost Jake. 

I can’t exactly recall if he died or just went missing, but it was clear that he would not be coming back and that I would never see him again. I know this is every mothers worst fear and I can vividly recall the pain I felt and how horrible it would be to ever be separated in that way from him. I’m sure the real thing is unbearable and my heart breaks for parents who have lost children. I have read stories of mothers who commit suicide because they cannot bear to live without their children, and just from a dream which I was soooo relieved to wake up from, I can understand why. 

But, when I woke up from this particular dream, I felt immense gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He was the first thing that entered my mind. I was thankful that a) this has never happened to me, and b) that none of my “problems) are as heavy and heart-wrenching as I imagine this to be and what others who suffer have to endure. 

You see, I had been feeling discouraged, hopeless, impatient, resentful, and inadequate in the days leading up to this night. I often found myself wondering when the despair of this season of my life would end. 

So it was… that while I slept, I had an ‘awakening’. 

My thought is that when we feel sad, disappointed, ashamed or any other negative emotion, especially with things that may seem like a big deal to us, but are really insignificant in the greater eternal scope of things, we are insulting our Creator. Christ already walked where we walked, and felt all our pain so that we didn’t need to. He took on all our sins, sorrow, and pain upon Himself when He was sacrificed on the cross. He knows and is mindful of us. 

We read of many accounts in scripture of how the Lord knows us, or “knows his sheep” and calls them by name, but one of my favorite is found in Matthew, 

28. And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell

29. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall on the ground without your father. 

30.But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 

31. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. 

(Matthew 10:28-31)

To me, this scripture tells me that I am worrying about the wrong things. I should be more concerned with the condition of my soul and my relationship with God, than even my fears and day-to-day worries about things here on Earth. It also tells me that the Lord loves me, knows me down to each strand of hair, and that we are priceless in his eyes. After all, we were “bought with a price.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

Back to the dream: I don’t know what is going to happen in my life. Something similar to what happened in my dream is a possibility. I hope it doesn’t happen of course, and nobody ever prays for bad things to happen to them, but this life was never promised to be free of pain and suffering. We are commanded to ‘endure to the end.” Some people may esteem their specific problems as worse than others, and yes some people may float on in life with a seemingly easier path than us, but all we need to do is to focus on our own road ahead. We can also try to ease the burdens of others which will enrich our own lives. Most importantly, this dream made me ponder the significance of the Atonement. Every trial or difficulty we face, is NOTHING compared to Christ suffering on the cross for us. 

As I mentioned, at the time of this dream, I had been feeling a myriad of negative emotions and I began to even question God’s love for me. Many of the things I had been praying for, I hadn’t yet received, and I began to really doubt that He wanted me to have them. It has been quite the lesson in turning over my plan for what I want and when, to God’s will and His timeline. 

In thinking about the atonement and asking for blessings though, I realized that sometimes we ask for things as instructed in scripture with “faith, and nothing wavering“ and I think we expect that we will get them, and if we don’t we get upset. Or times when we do our part (faith without works is dead) and ask God to fill in the gap, and that because we did THIS, we deserve THAT we also get discouraged. And when I say we, I mean ME, because until this point, I just didn’t really understand His plan. 

God didn’t promise that our faith would move mountains, He only said it could. I don’t say this to deter anyone from seeking out blessings from God, but what I mean is that we will only move mountains that He wants us to move and we have to put our trust in Him. 

God already fulfilled his promise to us. Eternal Life is our gift directly from Him, and he gave it willingly and lovingly to all who believe in His name. ANYTHING else we receive in this lifetime is just a bonus blessing. 

Read that again. 

God already fulfilled his promise to us. Eternal Life is our gift directly from Him, and he gave it willingly and lovingly to all who believe in His name. ANYTHING else we receive in this lifetime is just a bonus blessing. 

We are like 6 year olds running around a toy store asking for everything we see and throwing a fit when we don’t get it. In this waiting season of my life, where I am earnestly seeking God’s love and forgiveness over any mortal or tangible blessing that I can receive, I find myself more and more grateful everyday that Jesus Christ paid the price for me so that I can live forever. 

While in this mortal probation, although I may suffer loss, even of a child, this is a temporary time where all I can do is learn to do God’s will and trust that He knows my struggles, my fears, my anxieties, my hopes, my dreams, and my name. He will comfort me in those times. Thanks to my Heavenly Father, though I may be separated from my children for a time, we can live together as a Family Forever. 

I hope this helps someone come closer to Christ. I do have a completely different perspective after this dream. It’s very strange how it all came together, as it wasn’t a spiritual dream by any means, but the dots all connected in my head. I hope that as we go about our daily lives we have the Love of God in our hearts and remember that things are just not so bad. Heavenly Father already paid the price for you. Don’t suffer in vain. Give it back to him, leave it at His feet and above all, Give Thanks to Him. 

I’ll end with my favorite line as of late: “Don’t post about it, PRAY about it.” (re: my social media break… blog post about that to follow. )

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