Not Pregnant. Again.
Really thought this would be the one. You know, the cycle that after 2 Weeks of Waiting and Wishing and Hoping, that I would see 2 lines on a stick that I just urinated on.
Oh, sorry, I should have caught you all up to speed.
We have Unexplained Infertility. There I said it. I have been keeping a big secret. Most of our family and friends already know about our struggle over the last 2 years, but I haven’t shared publicly because I just figured I wasn’t supposed to talk about it, and that it was best to keep this part of my life private. But though this struggle, I have realized that there are so many people going through exactly what I am going through, and that it doesn’t need to be a taboo subject anymore.
I also didn’t realize how much it was going to affect literally everything in my life.
My fitness goals – “Will working out too hard affect my treatment?” “Will I gain weight on this medication?” “ Will the baby detach from my uterus if I am pregnant and don’t know it?”
My motivations – “Screw it, I will never be pregnant, we should just stop trying.”
My relationship – “I feel guilty, maybe I shouldn’t have had that glass of wine, I wonder if he is blaming me too?” “Why can’t he understand what I am dealing with and just be nicer?”
My life plans – “Should I really start that new class or job if Im just going to be pregnant soon?” “Nobody wants a pilates instructor who is pregnant” “Should we spend money on remodeling this room or going on vacation when we might need the money to afford another fertility treatment?”
My friendships – “Oh you’re pregnant with your 4th child, How wonderful.. Sure, I can throw you a shower.”
My Faith – “ Is God really there?” “ Why are my prayers going unanswered?” “Why, me?” “Why NOT me?”
Those are actual thoughts that I have had over the course of the last 2 years. I am not necessarily proud of all of them, but what I have learned from countless other women and couples who have been in our place is that while struggling with infertility is hard… it is crucial to give yourself love and grace and literally “Trust the Process.” I have had to forgive well meaning people who said things that offended me, or made me feel worse about myself for not being able to do the one thing that my body is meant to do…bear children. It’s not their fault, but If I hear “It will happen” or “It will happen when you stop trying” one more time, I might be featured on an episode of SNAPPED.
We are working with a great Reproductive Endocrinologist and I know that whether its this year or next year, our miracle will come. After several failed cycles of IU and trying naturally, we will soon undergo IVF as our last hope to conceive. I am sure it will be worth the wait, but until then these “one liners” that aren’t funny at all, is what my life will continue to look like….
The single pink lines,
The doctor visits
The basal temperature taking
The anxiety of the dreaded 2 week wait
Spending hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests because I didn’t just wait until the Dr told me to test, and I thought 3 of them could all be “false negatives”
Feeling defeated with each negative
All the googling and reading pregnancy forums
That’s all! Will share more of our journey later!
XOXO – H
Me on my Last IUI. March 7, 2019