The other night, I had a dream, actually it was more of a nightmare that luckily I haven’t experienced in real life and wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I don’t really have enemies, but you know what I mean. It was awful. 

In the dream, I lost Jake. 

I can’t exactly recall if he died or just went missing, but it was clear that he would not be coming back and that I would never see him again. I know this is every mothers worst fear and I can vividly recall the pain I felt and how horrible it would be to ever be separated in that way from him. I’m sure the real thing is unbearable and my heart breaks for parents who have lost children. I have read stories of mothers who commit suicide because they cannot bear to live without their children, and just from a dream which I was soooo relieved to wake up from, I can understand why. 

But, when I woke up from this particular dream, I felt immense gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He was the first thing that entered my mind. I was thankful that a) this has never happened to me, and b) that none of my “problems) are as heavy and heart-wrenching as I imagine this to be and what others who suffer have to endure. 

You see, I had been feeling discouraged, hopeless, impatient, resentful, and inadequate in the days leading up to this night. I often found myself wondering when the despair of this season of my life would end. 

So it was… that while I slept, I had an ‘awakening’. 

My thought is that when we feel sad, disappointed, ashamed or any other negative emotion, especially with things that may seem like a big deal to us, but are really insignificant in the greater eternal scope of things, we are insulting our Creator. Christ already walked where we walked, and felt all our pain so that we didn’t need to. He took on all our sins, sorrow, and pain upon Himself when He was sacrificed on the cross. He knows and is mindful of us. 

We read of many accounts in scripture of how the Lord knows us, or “knows his sheep” and calls them by name, but one of my favorite is found in Matthew, 

28. And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell

29. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall on the ground without your father. 

30.But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 

31. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. 

(Matthew 10:28-31)

To me, this scripture tells me that I am worrying about the wrong things. I should be more concerned with the condition of my soul and my relationship with God, than even my fears and day-to-day worries about things here on Earth. It also tells me that the Lord loves me, knows me down to each strand of hair, and that we are priceless in his eyes. After all, we were “bought with a price.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

Back to the dream: I don’t know what is going to happen in my life. Something similar to what happened in my dream is a possibility. I hope it doesn’t happen of course, and nobody ever prays for bad things to happen to them, but this life was never promised to be free of pain and suffering. We are commanded to ‘endure to the end.” Some people may esteem their specific problems as worse than others, and yes some people may float on in life with a seemingly easier path than us, but all we need to do is to focus on our own road ahead. We can also try to ease the burdens of others which will enrich our own lives. Most importantly, this dream made me ponder the significance of the Atonement. Every trial or difficulty we face, is NOTHING compared to Christ suffering on the cross for us. 

As I mentioned, at the time of this dream, I had been feeling a myriad of negative emotions and I began to even question God’s love for me. Many of the things I had been praying for, I hadn’t yet received, and I began to really doubt that He wanted me to have them. It has been quite the lesson in turning over my plan for what I want and when, to God’s will and His timeline. 

In thinking about the atonement and asking for blessings though, I realized that sometimes we ask for things as instructed in scripture with “faith, and nothing wavering“ and I think we expect that we will get them, and if we don’t we get upset. Or times when we do our part (faith without works is dead) and ask God to fill in the gap, and that because we did THIS, we deserve THAT we also get discouraged. And when I say we, I mean ME, because until this point, I just didn’t really understand His plan. 

God didn’t promise that our faith would move mountains, He only said it could. I don’t say this to deter anyone from seeking out blessings from God, but what I mean is that we will only move mountains that He wants us to move and we have to put our trust in Him. 

God already fulfilled his promise to us. Eternal Life is our gift directly from Him, and he gave it willingly and lovingly to all who believe in His name. ANYTHING else we receive in this lifetime is just a bonus blessing. 

Read that again. 

God already fulfilled his promise to us. Eternal Life is our gift directly from Him, and he gave it willingly and lovingly to all who believe in His name. ANYTHING else we receive in this lifetime is just a bonus blessing. 

We are like 6 year olds running around a toy store asking for everything we see and throwing a fit when we don’t get it. In this waiting season of my life, where I am earnestly seeking God’s love and forgiveness over any mortal or tangible blessing that I can receive, I find myself more and more grateful everyday that Jesus Christ paid the price for me so that I can live forever. 

While in this mortal probation, although I may suffer loss, even of a child, this is a temporary time where all I can do is learn to do God’s will and trust that He knows my struggles, my fears, my anxieties, my hopes, my dreams, and my name. He will comfort me in those times. Thanks to my Heavenly Father, though I may be separated from my children for a time, we can live together as a Family Forever. 

I hope this helps someone come closer to Christ. I do have a completely different perspective after this dream. It’s very strange how it all came together, as it wasn’t a spiritual dream by any means, but the dots all connected in my head. I hope that as we go about our daily lives we have the Love of God in our hearts and remember that things are just not so bad. Heavenly Father already paid the price for you. Don’t suffer in vain. Give it back to him, leave it at His feet and above all, Give Thanks to Him. 

I’ll end with my favorite line as of late: “Don’t post about it, PRAY about it.” (re: my social media break… blog post about that to follow. )

I posted the following in my book club forum last week and it was well received so I thought I would share it here. It was an eye opening exercise for some of us who have let the negativity of the world and outside influences tear us away from the inner child inside that “grew up” and changed sometimes not for better in the process.

Here’s the original post:

This morning a few of us jumped on zoom and had a discussion regarding the first few chapters of Revolution of the Soul. We discussed “triggers” or “thoughts, feelings, smells, tastes, sights” that can bring on unwanted and sometimes unpleasant symptoms. These symptoms aren’t a problem with you, rather they’re signs of a sensitivity you possess.

One of my triggers is when I see the skin on my outer thigh and recall the time when someone I loved asked me if He should let me know next time my “cellulite is showing.”

My true self knows that besides being a total asshole thing to say, that the person who said that was insecure with HIMSELF and it had nothing to do with me, and that he was put in my life to be a lesson. So even though i feel as though I’ve healed from that pain, I still get triggered from time to time and I have many other “sensitivities” that can evoke certain feelings or thoughts and even physical symptoms. We all have these sensitivities.

I think too often we medicate these “sensitivities” by suppressing the feelings that arise, turn to addictions, unhealthy habits, and ultimately resorting to negative self talk and low self esteem which is like attempting to turn the smoke alarm off while the real fire rages inside of us.

The truth is something is profoundly off in our lives today. In ways, we are all still operating from our internal “childself” focused on striving toward the good (love) and running from the bad (withdrawal of love) because we got the message, at some point in our upbringing, that the good was welcome and the bad was, well, bad. As we run from the bad, however, we abandon the part of ourselves that needs reclamation. It is that part of ourselves that we have been taught by society, our parents, and our internalized inner critic to hate. That shameful, lazy, weak, stupid, ugly loser “with cellulite” inside us.

It’s like we have locked our childself in a bedroom, bolted the door, and turned up the music loud so that we don’t have to hear her wailing and banging. Then we arrange the furniture just right, dust the house, and wonder why it just doesn’t seem to feel quite like home. In that bedroom is your neglected childself, begging to be unconditionally loved, to finally feel seen, heard, and safe. If denied, that child will continue to tantrum in order to get your attention. Those tantrums look like self-sabotage, depression, anxiety, and avoiding triggers that will aggravate the suppressed feelings.

So let her out of her proverbial cage!

I’d like to propose that we keep a photo close by our desk, our nightstand, in our cars, our phones, or anywhere else we will see it often.

The work begins by acknowledging that there’s somewhere you have not wanted to look. There’s some primal fear that you’ve been running from your whole life.

Maybe it is someone you have to forgive, a conversation you know deep down you have to have, a heavy secret you’ve been carrying around. That house of cards you’ve been holding might need to fall.

So take out that photo of yourself as a child. Try and send her love and let her speak. It might be hard to see yourself so young so innocent so pure so hopeful and so unaware of what was coming down the tracks, but you know that you can’t hate her, loathe her, punish her, hide her away, judge her, or shame her. How could anyone do that to her? You would never say that to her. So why do we say it to ourselves? Why do we let others say it to us? Or think that others are saying it about us?

Send her love. Give her love. And know that she is you. And, you are her.

Post your photo below and tell us what you would say to her and then make it a daily habit to look where you haven’t wanted to look and let that screaming child out to be seen and heard and unconditionally loved.

Here is me at age 6 and what I wish I could have told her.

You are safe, there is nothing to fear. You are loved unconditionally and nobody can take away the love that is inherent in you. You look great in that bathing suit and someday you’ll have children which may make your skin stretch and sag, but you earned those tiger stripes and your true beauty shines from within. Now jump in that water and have fun, girl!

For those of you who don’t know, I grew up an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I went to church every Sunday, and was baptized at 8 years old, never stopping to ask if it was the true church. I just did it because thats what my parents and their parents did and that’s how it was. I knew I was a descendent of Hyrum Smith, brother to the prophet Joseph Smith and always felt that it was a special blessing and that I was some sort of “Mormon Royalty.” I wrote in my journals that I couldn’t wait to grow up and get married in the temple and also raise my family in the church. 

But thats when life was easy. At 12 my parents separated and things got messy. Life was different. It was hard. I was no longer sheltered and had to “grow up” to the realities and painful truths that came with my parents separation. My mom, who I always believed had an unshakeable love for the gospel stopped taking us kids to church. I went with my father every other Sunday, and would hitch rides with my grandfather sometimes, but eventually I felt so out of place that I stopped going all together. Being in middle school came the peer pressure to fit in coupled with what I didn’t know at the time which was my un-acceptance of my new normal, and I began numbing myself with alcohol and later drugs. I am not proud of these things, but I do tell them because they have shaped me and I can easily look back see that my religion had taken a backseat to my self-interests. 

At this time of my life, I wasn’t living the standards of the church and when I graduated High School, I moved to Utah to begin college at the strong encouragement of my family. College was great, I attended UVU which is in the same town as BYU, so it was the ultimate college town, full of young people. I attended church and institute classes and could call myself “active” but I immediately gravitated towards people who had the same interests as I did, which were not interests that are within the guidelines of the church. And so life hadn’t really changed much. 

I was living in Northern California, when I discovered that I was pregnant with Jake. As you might guess, it was not immaculate conception. With my sins now blatantly on display for the world and having a baby our of wedlock, I had the desire to return to church, repent, and raise the child in the church like I always wanted to. I moved back to Utah & met with my new bishop, repented of my sins, started paying my tithing, taking the sacrament each Sunday, and felt happier than I had in a long time. But, I was still pregnant and this particular bishop was hard-pressed that I should give my child up for adoption. I never considered it, and it was shocking how much bribery was used as he was trying to paint a picture of how much better my life would be if I could give him up, but I knew that was not something I could live with. I don’t blame the bishop, I truly believe in certain circumstances adoption is the best option, but I knew having Jake was going to be one of the trials I knew I could face on earth and that it was meant to be. I am also always up for a challenge!

The later portion of my pregnancy I lived with my Aunt and Uncle in Salt Lake County. I attended church there and everyone was so welcoming and it meant so much especially being single and pregnant. I met with the stake president in the area and I will never forget the words he said when speaking to me about my pregnancy. They ring forever true in my ears and were as if he took them right out of my heart.

He said “Heavenly Father sent this child to you for a reason. You were chosen to be this Child’s mother. This child was appointed to come to you for this season.”

I had known in my heart that being pregnant with Jake was supposed to happen. I always say “He Saved Me” because if not for him, at that particular time in my life if things had continued the way they were going I don’t know where I would be today, but I would guess that I would be dead. My pregnancy and his birth, brought so much love and meaning into my life, and brought me back to having a relationship with Christ that I did not even know I was missing!

And now, he is saving me again. 

They say you’re just 1 Sunday away from being inactive.  That was me. I stayed active in the church until Jake was about 3 years old. I started drinking again, socially. I got a boyfriend who was agnostic. I stopped going to church. It was that quick and that easy.   But, looking back it was not easy. It was miserable. I had no close friends, no family nearby. Without Christ or the gospel in my home, who could I turn to? How did I escape from the noisy world? Well, I’ll tell you how:  I turned to a glass of wine, and I turned to my co-dependent relationship with my boyfriend. This proud and sinful life was so familiar to me. I had spent so much of my adult life in sin that I was no longer familiar with God. You don’t realize how much you need the Savior until you NEED the Savior. I always needed Him, but I kept justifying that I was already too far gone. My life was so empty, and I even had taken to saying negative things about the church. It was like I was angry and felt forsaken and like God left me to struggle alone. But, in reality I had left him. He was always there, I just wasn’t seeking Him. 

Fast forward to about a year ago. I had recently started a company where they really encourage you to grow yourself as a person in order to equip you to grow in your business. I started reading all sorts of personal development books, listening to podcasts, reaching out to mentors, etc. This was in some ways a leap of faith, that I could work through my insecurities, anxiety, and the parts of me that I needed to “numb out” from, that I would be better off. And in a lot of ways, I certainly am. But, then a moment of clarity struck me which is so simple but so true: Why not learn from He who is the MASTER of Personal Development? I am sure you can gather who I am talking about here, but  it is indeed our Heavenly Father. I had always known that  I am a literal daughter of God and that HE knows me by name, he knows my pain, my struggles, my triumphs, even down to how I like my eggs. 

He has known me from the beginning and he knows who I can become. Why am I reading these personal development books written for a generic audience when I can receive personal revelation myself through the words of scripture, the prophets, and other leaders? It seemed silly that I was spending $100’s of dollars a month downloading books from iTunes to read a few pages and get bored of them after a few chapters when I had the free instructions to anything I needed to learn and apply right under my nose the whole time. Not only that, but when I had a question on something in my personal development books, I couldn’t ask the author to expand, like I can pray to God.

So right around the time that I had this thought, the missionaries knocked on my door like they did every so often. Now, usually I would pretend I wasn’t home, or tell them to come by another time, or that I would text them a better day to stop by,  but on this day I knew that they were the Lord’s tender mercies in action and that I had to let them in.  Jake had also been pestering me every so often about when he would be baptized. Which is so humbling, and a miracle in itself because I hadn’t been doing a good job of teaching him to read the scriptures, pray, or attending church with him for the past 8 years. It must have been the light of Christ that is in all of us that was urging him that he needed to grow closer to his Heavenly Father. 

So this particular day, I opened the door to the missionaries, and I re-opened my heart to the Lord. Jake has been learning and growing in the faith, but I truly believe the bigger blessing was on me. They say by small and simple things are great things brought to pass and by Jake wanting to be baptized we are now actively praying together, reading scripture together, and attending church meetings. I don’t know that I would have taken it upon myself to do this alone, just from my deciding to do more personal scripture study and prayer. I feel more peace, and know that God has a plan for my life and will lead me, guide me, and help me find my way. I still have work to do, but having the Gospel in my life again and just even taking the small daily steps to re-kindle the relationship I have with Him is a huge step in the right direction. I am much more concerned with my salvation than ever, and want to spend my life in Service and Love to others and breaking my heart for what break’s God’s.

Jake will be baptized next month and we are so thankful for eager missionaries and a God who truly does not give up on anyone, even the people who have given up on themselves. 

Hi Guys,

This beauty tip actually came about in an un-conventional way.

We are currently re-modeling our bathroom after 2 years of living in our house. The baby pink bathroom shower tiles were chic and all, but the house was built in 1950 so apart from it being outdated it had really shown its age. We decided that this summer would be a great time to demo and remodel as we will be traveling and at the pool or beach all day anyway. Needless to say, we have had tilers, painters, plumbers, and electricians in and out of our home everyday for the past 2 weeks.

Thankfully, the project is nearing completion and yesterday the painter was here. I was chatting with him and he mentioned that he would prime the wall first and then paint. I had forgotten that painters prime walls before they paint, and usually when the word ‘primer’ comes into my world I am talking about makeup. Essentially, though painting primer and makeup primer serve the same purpose; to smooth the surface before application of “paint.” Makeup to me, especially foundation – is a type of paint, so this may not be breaking news to some of you, but just as a painter wouldn’t paint without priming, neither should you “paint your face” without using a primer.

A primer or undercoat is a preparatory coating put on materials before painting. Priming ensures better adhesion of paint to the surface, increases paint durability, and provides additional protection for the material being painted.

A good primer when it comes to makeup application, actually acts as a spackle for your skin; Minimizing pores, filling in fine lines and wrinkles, and helping makeup stay put. It also can help act as a barrier between your skin and makeup helping to avoid break-outs.

My favorite primer is made by Arbonne and like all other Arbonne products it has botanical ingredients that actually care for your skin, are hypoallergenic and non-toxic. Ingredients you can actually pronounce; like Green Tea Leaf, Grapeseed Oil, and Hyaluronic Acid Spheres. It has a silky smooth consistency and a matte finish and contains peptides that give a diminished appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.

I use the primer under my foundation and my foundation lasts all day and I don’t get oily by the end of the day, like with other formulas.

You can also use an “eye makeup primer” to help eyeshadow stay put and keep it from settling in the creases. (A HUGE pet peeve of mine!) Although, I haven’t used Arbonne’s eye primer, we do have one and I am sure its great!

I hope you guys learned something from my post. I just felt that if you are spending money on foundation and you’re anything like me, you’ll want it to go a long way. Primer will help your foundation slide on smoothly so that you aren’t wasting product. Because this product fills in fine lines and wrinkles as well,  you can consider it part of your anti-aging regimen!  That being said, if you take great care of your skin, you’ll have no need for foundation or a PRIMER!

The primer and painting of the bathroom came out awesome, btw. I will post pictures soon. One more week of showering at the gym, and using a portable toilet in my driveway! :0

Wish me luck!

A fellow blogger did this challenge a few days ago and I thought I would join in! It was fun reflecting on things that I don’t think about everyday and recording these little, random, nuances that make me, ME!

  1. I have anxiety about mixing colors when doing laundry. When my laundry is sorted, it looks like a rainbow of colored clothing strewn across the room.
  2. I have never played a group sport.
  3. I don’t like hot dogs, but if on the rare occasion I eat one, I cut off the ends first and discard them. 
  4. I was named after Heather Locklear. (Mom was a T.J. Hooker fan)
  5. I don’t have a middle name. 
  6. I won a cash scholarship for my college entry essay. 
  7. My guilty pleasure is chocolate chip cookie dough. 
  8. I don’t untie my shoes when I take them off. 
  9. Ive lived in Southern California for most of my life, but also lived in Northern California and Utah. 
  10. Growing up, I primarily played with the neighborhood boys and most of my scars are from me attempting to do things to keep up with them. 
  11. I dip my French fries in BBQ sauce mixed with Ranch. 
  12. I have boxes full of old journals that I someday want to compile in chronological order for posterity. 
  13. I have saved every birthday card, letter, postcard, and invitation I have ever received. 
  14. I cant sleep without socks on. 
  15. I don’t own a microwave. 
  16. I hate raw tomatoes. 
  17. I have 4 siblings. 
  18. I am a good listener, but If I get excited about a certain topic then expect frequent interruption. 
  19. My favorite number has always been 28. 
  20. I am an over thinker and can easily spend hours thinking and writing down my ideas. 
  21. Google is my lifeline. 
  22. When I get obsessed with a song, I literally play it over and over on repeat until I get sick of it. 
  23. I cannot keep potted plants alive. 
  24. I learned to read before Kindergarten with the help of my Mother and a children’s dictionary. 
  25. I have a pitbull named Bowie, named after David Bowie. I love all Classic Rock music and Bowie just felt right. 
  26. My favorite flower is peony. 
  27. I am a gemini, through and through. 
  28. I am afraid of heights, flying, and spiders.
  29. My favorite movie is ‘Top Gun.’
  30. I get bored very easily, but yet I am so busy that I am never bored!

Hi Everybody,

Hope you are enjoying these summer days as much as I am. To be honest, I am enjoying them just how I want to; inside with my computer and Air Conditioning! My son has been away the past few nights and so with an abundance of free time, I am able to sit and do what I love and that is to write! It is almost as enjoyable as what my ultimate perfect day is, and that is to be curled up on the beach reading a book, but anyway, I digress.

I wanted to write about something that is relative to my business, but also informative. Before I became an Arbonne Consultant, I thought myself skilled in Makeup and Skincare, but it is a whole other ballgame when you are re-educated and it is actually coming from a place of genuine concern for the safety of the things you are putting on your skin and not just companies telling you what you want to hear, so that you will buy their products. Not only that, but some people are just not educated enough on the habits that could be making their skin age faster.

 What you don’t know CAN harm you. Due to an overwhelming amount of information and products out there, most consumers don’t actually know if their products are safe and if they are right for their skin type.  Additionally, people are not taking advantage of the adage “You are what you eat.” Nutrition is an integral part of having healthy skin, and if you want to look young you need to start from within!

I wanted to tell  my readers what I think are some of the most important things you can do today, to improve your skin health. So without further adieu, Here are:

5 Things You might be doing that are sabotaging your skin and the Arbonne products that can help!

#1 Not Washing Your Face at night

During the day, natural oils and sweat accumulate on the skin. Regardless of whether you wear makeup or not, think about all the things your skin is exposed to throughout the day; pollution, dirt and bacteria from your hands, cooking grease, etc. All this build up can cause breakouts, allergies, irritations, etc.  Washing your face at night opens your pores, allows your skin to breathe and makes your skin care products more effective. The skin repairs itself at night and using anti-aging creams, serums, and gels after washing your face will enhance their penetration and efficiency. 

Make the Switch: RE9 Advanced Smoothing Facial Cleanser

# 2 Using exfoliating scrubs too much

Exfoliation is the  process of breaking down the proteins that hold dead skin cells together. It is important to turnover these dead skin cells and slough them off, but not at the cost of collagen, As we age, the collagen production in our skin slows down. Constant scrubbing motion when using rough exfoliating cleansers makes the collagen webbing in your skin weaker. Especially if you are over the age of 35 years old, you should not use scrubs at all because sadly, our cells are turning over slower than our younger peers. The best way to turn over dead skin cells is to use a chemical exfoliant that contains Alpha Beta Hydroxy Acids. Stop scrubbing!

Make the Switch: RE9 Advanced Intensive Renewal Serum

#3 Using Waterproof Mascara

Waterproof Mascara often has toxic chemicals that can lead to dry eye disease. If you’re using them because your eyes water a lot, you should see your doctor to figure out the cause. Commercial mascara brands often contain ingredients that are cheap to obtain and are harm for your health. The hazardous toxins can get into your skin and lead to a variety of health problems one of which is blindness! Waterproof mascara can also be hard to remove and often has people pulling and tugging at the eye area which over time causes wrinkles.

Make the Switch: Speak Volumes Mascara

#4 Not taking Probiotics

All you have to do is google gut health and practically any symptom or disease and you can find a link. There has been a lot of buzz around the ‘microbiome’ lately and I am so thankful that people are coming more and more educated on just how important the bacteria in your body really is. To put it simply, your microbiome is a group of living organisms that line your skin, gut, and mucous membranes. While we say the word “gut” loosely, (such a gross word, too)  it is actually referring to a portion of your large intestine, not your stomach, as I originally assumed! These microorganisms or microbes play a huge role in how we break down food and our since our immune system is largely controlled by the digestive system, they can play an equally important role in fighting inflammation, and preventing disease,  IF we have a healthy balance of good bacteria. An imbalance of unhealthy and healthy microbes in the intestines may contribute to weight gain, high blood sugar, high cholesterol and so much more. Now I know you’re thinking ‘I thought this was about skincare not my overall health, but the skin and your microbiome are very intertwined. Studies have shown that an increase in the inflammation related to your gut makes your body release toxins into your bloodstream which then show up as inflammation (think redness) or a break-out on your skin. 

Make the Switch: Arbonne Essentials Digestion Plus

 #5 Not Wearing Sunscreen 

My simple philosophy on skincare is protect during the day and prevent and repair at night. So if you don’t do any of the things on this list, I strongly urge you to please at least wear an SPF during the day. Do not skip it!! Not only is there the risk of skin cancer, but you are seriously damaging your skin. In fact, most signs of aging like dark spots and loss of elasticity is from the sun and its harmful rays. Protecting yourself now will prevent looking well over your age in the future! Most of the damage we see in adulthood is actually from time spent in the sun when we were younger (baby oil anyone?) So this is also something to be aware of if you have children. Now is the time to start protecting your children against skin damage from sun overexposure, when your child is developing sun exposure habits and when they have many more years of potential sun exposure ahead of them.

Make the Switch: 

Adults: Arbonne Prepwork Soft Focus Veil Broad Spectrum SPF 30

Kids:  ABC Sunscreen

If you have any questions or are interested in learning more information on these products message me, click the links above, or head over to my website: www.heathermcpeak.arbonne.com

XOXO,

Heather

Feeling stuck? Discouraged? Like the goals you want for yourself are way out of reach?

One of my favorite authors and motivational speakers, Jim Rohn said,

“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.

You don’t have to change that much for it to make a big difference in whatever it is you want. A few simple disciplines can have a major impact on how your life works out in the next 90 days, let alone in the next year or the next 5 years.

Not too long ago, I suffered from crippling anxiety and panic attacks. The kind where you literally can’t. I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t do normal daily activities, bouts of crying uncontrollably and feeling like I couldn’t catch my breath were my new normal. The worst part is I couldn’t even tell you what was wrong! On the outside, it looked like what would I possibly have to worry about or feel anxiety towards? I had a great life with so much to be grateful for.

I am in no way saying this for sympathy, nor am I making light of anxiety, as I believe it is a very important topic and real problem. But, I think what it was for me, was that my expectation for how my life should look up to that point was different than I had imagined, and it was like I woke up in someone else’s life, cause this was definitely not mine. I was WORRYING all the time. I was out of balance or alignment with who I was and who I know I can be. The distance between the good life I was living was too far from what I actually want and desire out of life…. which is a GREAT life! Trust me, I was grateful for that life, but there is nothing wrong about wanting MORE!

At some point without me even knowing it, I let the “dream stealers” and “self doubt monsters” in to my head and they kicked off their shoes, made a snack and were so comfortable that I didn’t know how to kick them out. I listened to them up until that point and not my true self.

By finally defining my vision for my future and setting out a roadmap and then living INTENTIONALLY everyday… I am headed in the right direction and too focused to worry or talk myself out of living my best life.

People with a vision succeed because they know exactly where they’re going. They don’t worry that they won’t make it, they just keep doing the do until they’re there. And- once they have accomplished their big, audacious goal, they don’t stop! They stay hungry. Warren Buffet is still hungry. He didn’t get to the top and say “I’m good and I don’t want to be better!” The man is 88 years old and still an innovator and big dreamer!

At the end of everyday, I ask myself these 10 questions:

Am I closer to reaching my goals?

Did I complete my non-negotiable activities?

Did I show up for myself?

Did I treat my body with love?

Did I help another in need?

Was I present for my family?

Was I a good friend?

Did I show compassion and forgiveness to anyone who may have upset me or who’s views differ from mine? (Ahem, social media politics)

Did I speak kindly of myself and others?

Did I do my personal best?

If I can’t answer yes to any of those questions on any given day, it tells me that I need to do something different the next day. The same wind blows on us all, but it’s about the direction of the sails that determines our destinations.

The reason I am able to sleep at night is because I have developed the discipline to do everything within my power to not settle for a mediocre life. I don’t have enough time to worry. If I can’t sleep it’s because I drank too much fizz, but not because I was up worrying.

If I feel I am lacking in any area, I don’t dwell on it, I don’t look back, I don’t beat myself up or feel unworthy. I simply move forward with faith, a graceful heart, and a commitment to do better tomorrow.

Did you know the average person thinks anywhere from 50-60k thoughts a day? 95% of those thoughts are the same thoughts as the day prior. We take all the stress, worry, and fear from yesterday into today. LET IT ALL GO! Your past does not determine your future. It took me a while to learn this.

My family and friends will tell you at my lowest point I can be the most negative hypochondriac out there. You wouldn’t believe the things I told myself and the limiting beliefs that held me back from just being “Heather.” Through lots of self help and loving myself where I am, I no longer let worry and fear control me.

I share this with you not to impress you, but to impress upon you that you can love yourself where you are too. I’m still a long way from where I want to be, but the beautiful thing about this life is that there is a lesson in every day, whether it’s good or bad and that if we are in tune and have a desire to grow and change, and live INTENTIONALLY, tomorrow can be better than yesterday and you CAN write your own life story, instead of reading it.

✨I truly believe “what you think about, you bring about.” Stop thinking about all that could go wrong, and think about what could go right! Don’t wake up and say “I hope something good happens today, go out and make it happen! ✨ annnnd, whenever TED talks is ready for me to grab the mic, I’m your girl 😂

To exercise patience we have to accept things at times that cannot be changed and face them. Sometimes when things happen in our lives that were unforeseen, we find ourselves devastated. I am a big believer in the adage that “Everything happens for a reason,” But, I do admit that I have difficulty applying this to my own life. Every single piece of advice I have been given about something that is troubling me, be it a relationship, my job, my son, finances etc.. has been ” wait and see” or “just give it time.” This is hard to do because we feel so strongly that we cannot possibly bear life with this change or this stage in our lives. “Wait” they say. Easier said than done! We push for things and lose patience, because we feel that time will change things; that the moment will pass; feelings will fade; someone will buy out all of our size in the new Steve Madden snakeskin pumps.

I know I need to be more patient in my relationships. Especially in my relationship with my son. It is easy for me to “lose my cool” with him when he does something unfavorable. It helps me to just take deep breaths and tell myself that he is young and learning and to be patient. It would not be smart for me to just give Jake whatever he wants when he wants it, and so I exercise patience in that regard. I have learned that I can never give up on him. I should never give up on anyone for that matter, especially myself.

One day in the future, I hope to look back at my hardships and  be thankful for them. I may even laugh and say “Wow, What was I thinking?” or “I am really glad that worked out that way because if it didn’t then such and such wouldn’t have happened” It would be nice if we got everything just how we wanted it and then said ” OK, STAY.” Every new person that comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience changes you. It’s your job to decide if it changes you for the best or not. That is how we develop character. I try to just make the best out of every situation and trust that God’s plan is way better than the one I think I have.

 

Not Pregnant. Again.

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Really thought this would be the one. You know, the cycle that after 2 Weeks of Waiting and Wishing and Hoping, that I would see 2 lines on a stick that I just urinated on. 

Oh, sorry, I should have caught you all up to speed.

We have Unexplained Infertility. There I said it. I have been keeping a big secret. Most of our family and friends already know about our struggle over the last 2 years, but I haven’t shared publicly because I just figured I wasn’t supposed to talk about it, and that it was best to keep this part of my life private. But though this struggle, I have realized that there are so many people going through exactly what I am going through, and that it doesn’t need to be a taboo subject anymore. 

I also didn’t realize how much it was going to affect literally everything in my life. 

Like…

My fitness goals – “Will working out too hard affect my treatment?” “Will I gain weight on this medication?” “ Will the baby detach from my uterus if I am pregnant and don’t know it?”

My motivations – “Screw it, I will never be pregnant, we should just stop trying.”

My relationship – “I feel guilty, maybe I shouldn’t have had that glass of wine, I wonder if he is blaming me too?”  “Why can’t he understand what I am dealing with and just be nicer?”

My life plans – “Should I really start that new class or job if Im just going to be pregnant soon?” “Nobody wants a pilates instructor who is pregnant” “Should we spend money on remodeling this room or going on vacation when we might need the money to afford another fertility treatment?”

My friendships – “Oh you’re pregnant with your 4th child, How wonderful.. Sure, I can throw you a shower.” 

My Faith – “ Is God really there?” “ Why are my prayers going unanswered?” “Why, me?” “Why NOT me?”

Those are actual thoughts that I have had over the course of the last 2 years. I am not necessarily proud of all of them, but what I have learned from countless other women and couples who have been in our place is that while struggling with infertility is hard… it is crucial to give yourself love and grace and literally “Trust the Process.” I have had to forgive well meaning people who said things that offended me, or made me feel worse about myself for not being able to do the one thing that my body is meant to do…bear children. It’s not their fault, but If I hear  “It will happen” or “It will happen when you stop trying” one more time, I might be featured on an episode of SNAPPED.

We are working with a great Reproductive Endocrinologist and I know that whether its this year or next year, our miracle will come. After several failed cycles of IU and trying naturally, we will soon undergo IVF as our last hope to conceive. I am sure it will be worth the wait, but until then these “one liners” that aren’t funny at all,  is what my life will continue to look like….

The single pink lines, 

The bloodwork

The doctor visits

Cycle monitoring

The basal temperature taking

The heartache

The prayers

The stress

The anxiety of the dreaded 2 week wait

Spending hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests because I didn’t just wait until the Dr told me to test, and I thought 3 of them could all be “false negatives”

Feeling defeated with each negative

All the googling and reading pregnancy forums

The injections

The inseminations

The meds

IVF research

Egg Freezing

PGS Screening

That’s all! Will share more of our journey later!

XOXO – H

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Me on my Last IUI.   March 7, 2019

Time is an interesting thing. A lot can happen in a short amount of it. A moment can change everything. One phone call, a lack of a phone call, something you said that you wish you could take back, something you didn’t say, roads taken and roads abandoned. Each thing has the power to change the future so drastically that one cannot help but wonder what could have been.

I just finished watching a movie in which the characters go back in time to alter the past so that they come back to the present day living a better life. Sometimes I wish it were that easy. I often wonder if I would have a better life, if certain things had not happened in the past, the way that they did. Some are obvious. If I had finished school, I would probably have a better, higher income job. If I had not had my son as a single woman, would I have already been married and had more kids by now? I wonder that, but at the same time wonder ”Would my life be as rewarding without my amazing son to brighten my days?” It is a tough debate, but obviously I could not imagine my life without him.  I wonder if I hadn’t met certain people (friends and acquaintances) would I be who I am today? Do I even like the person I am today? Of course, we all have things we would change, but if one minor life experience hadn’t happened, would all my negative qualities outweigh the good? (Currently, I don’t think they do.) I think if we begin to see life as a quest to find or create ourselves rather, then every experience becomes a lesson, and every person in it a teacher. I have made many bad decisions and many good decisions, and sometimes its difficult to tell the difference. Things haven’t always turned out the way I imagined, but I learn lessons from every necessary thing that happens in my life. Hindsight is always perfect vision and if we are smart shows us the way we should act in the future.

Timing is everything. I really think some great things happen to us at the wrong times. Paradoxically, horrible things happen to us at the worst times. When it rains it pours. You may meet the right person at the wrong time or be ready to meet someone and they never come. You may be given a great opportunity, but not ready in your mind and heart to accept or recognize it. These are all lessons to be learned. Everything happens for a reason. There are battles we have to fight, villains we have to face. There will be times when we win and times when pieces of us are stolen. There are things that nobody can teach you, you just have to experience and feel them for yourself. Some of these events change us for the better, and others leave us gun-shy. Though I say that timing is everything, when it comes to love, I believe that the timing doesn’t matter. You create the time if it comes down to it.

I know this started out being about time travel, but my last 2 sentences really got my head spinning. (In 2 directions mind you!) For timing in love is something. There is no length of time. It isn’t rushed. Sometimes it isn’t recognizable. I didn’t know that I truly loved my fiancé  for quite some time after he already loved me. I think I was finding every reason to avoid it. Love is scary, honestly. Those things that keep us from loving are self made, based on our life experiences. Because of the many years of heartache, I experienced in the past, I am able to fully appreciate the loving relationship I am now in. I truly am grateful to God for all my unanswered prayers, and answering them by allowing Brandon to come into my life when he did.

The following quote is by Neil Gaiman and I sure love all his quotes. If you’re ever bored go read them. He speaks from the heart.

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”

So back to the main idea: If I could go back in time and change things, would I? I think knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t. I am happy where I am at, and looking back has never allowed anyone to move forward.

What would you do?